Xanax For Sale

1.1.2004 | Hello 2004
It was a wonderfully quiet evening with friends as we awaited the new year. I had choice liquor. I had pancakes for dinner. I kissed the most lovely boy at the marked hour. As I tucked in for the night, I thought to myself: Indeed, a most felicitous beginning to a very good year.

It all started out perfectly well. I kissed the pup goodnight, tucked my sleepy self into a comfy bed, and closed my lids for the first time in a while. After a few minutes, it was apparent that I could still hear the tv from the other room blaring a late night showing of one of the Airplane movies or some other nonsense. '23 more days and I'm out of here' I thought to myself. Then I began to think about who I needed to call at the office tomorrow, and what I forgot to get at the store today, and that's when the trouble began... the thinking. A few years ago I suffered from panic attacks. When they first started happening, I really thought something physiological went awry. I had a heavy pressure on my chest, a tightening sort of feeling that would stay there for hours and sometimes days. I would get dizzy and it would be hard to breathe. I also would lose my hearing during some of the spells. There was never get a good night's sleep as all of these symptoms would compound when I hit the sheets and reviewed my day's agenda. All the thoughts in my mind would swirl in a whirlwind of incomprehensible anxiety, regret, and expectation. So, imagine my surprise when the doctor gave me a little quiz. Said quiz asked questions like: Marital problems? Check. Close family member's death? Check. New job? Check. Financial obligations? Hell yes. After scoring me, he said the cause was 'just stress.' Just stress? You mean the adrenaline society thrives on? The substance that pushes all of us to be better, bigger, bolder, etc.? The thing that's 'just in my head'? Everyone has stress, so why is this such an issue with me? A little embarassed, I took home the prescription pills that were to make it all go away. Eventually they did, and the attacks seemed like a faraway dream. I slept, I worried, but I didn't have the cursed 'fake heart attacks' that they felt like. I got through life, eventually weaning myself off the meds. I've had two panic attacks in the last 72 hours - two more than I've had in years (and I added that up 'just in my head'). I don't know what that means, but I know it's not good. I've even perfected the art of having one incognito, so that innocent bystanders won't bat an eyelash. Most of you will laugh when I swear I'm not psychotic, that I'm a nice, sane girl who generally loves life and everything it has to offer. Some of you will even scorn me for ever letting stress physically affect me (and I know who you are) and laugh that I would ever stoop to such meds. For the record: I don't want to eliminate stress by a pill. They are stupid things I think about, yes, but I don't want to be paralyzed by them either. So, while I ponder making that appointment, will you keep my sanity in your thoughts?

res-o-lu-tion: (n.) A course of action determined or decided on. To be honest (and less than eloquent), 2003 sucked ass. The next year couldn't possibly get any worse, right? My list of things that I shall try to achieve in 2004: 1. Move into new apartment and love it even if it's the size of my current closet 2. Call mom & sibling once a week 3. Pay off chunk of debt & save money 4. Follow the Benrik book daily as much as possible without arrest, deportation, etc. 5. Keep in better touch with friends 6. Ignore stupid boys 7. Use knowledge of differences between wants and needs 8. Stop worrying about things I cannot change 9. Stop chewing cuticles when worrying 10. Run with dog 11. Understand that I can't always be perfect and actually believe it 12. Know that others can't be perfect and live with it 13. Ask for help when I need it 14. Show up for church more than once a year 15. Make lesson plans before day of lessons 16. Get back into volunteering regularly Damn.

smitten's entry this evening got me to thinking... what am I like in audio? I live where one only has an accent if you've been imported or where born outside of the city limits. Florida is in the south, but certainly not southern unless you're in northern Florida (more accurately southern Georgia). My father had no accent (Detroit will do that to you unless you are she). My mother, on the other hand, is hardcore Chinese. The poor woman still cannot pronounce an 'r' to save her life. A world traveling mutt like myself hasn't planted roots long enough to acquire one. I've been easily been accused of a bedroom voice, tinged with a splash of west coast valley and a bitchly undertone, but this has only been perfected by compounding years of angst, promiscuity, and a touch of insanity. So, shall we reveal the audblog experiment? Patience, kitties... audio post powered by audblog

12.29.2003 | Retraction
My former validation of Overstock.com needs to be retracted. They suck today. My beautiful bed was ordered, billed, and confirmed yesterday. Today they have said they don't have one in stock, said bill was cancelled, and (for my trouble) was given a meager $5 bonus credit. I guess I'm still getting the nightstand, though. So here I am, $300 more than I had yesterday, but no bed. Fuckers. The server at work is also acting fugly, so my pics are playing hide and seek.