Xanax For Sale

Nothing cures sadness about a boy like a FedEx delivery.

The absentee is permanently gone. The call wasn't made, so the email was sent. But am I sad about it? Not so much Slightly pained So over it. It just didn't feel right for so long, and it came to the cursed three-month mark when it was expected to unravel. There are the questions that still haunt me: why did he even start, why did he say he loved me, why did he just stop trying, why didn't he talk to me about it, and why for the love of god did he take me to meet his parents? The unknowns are the most torturous of all.

This year has brought about a lot of change. In coping with change, we sometimes forget to take a breath and see the bigger picture. We sometimes forget to take inventory of where we stand. We sometimes make impulsive decisions without thinking of the consequences. We sometimes stay in situations that aren't good for us, perhaps for comfort or out of fear. This year I lost my instinct. I lost the feeling in my gut that reminded me of right from wrong despite what my wild heart would say. I lost the confidence that made the murky waters clearer. I forgot to look around at the wide open spaces. I couldn't find the direction of my life's map any more. I became paralyzed with indecision. That led to inaction, and in my frustration with that I made even more impulsive decisions to cover up my complacency. But now I'm remembering how to read that map. I'm regaining that feeling in my gut that tells me that I drove down the wrong street and that I don't need to continue. I'm asking for directions and learning that I can make a legal u-turn and that there's another road on my way.

...so why d'ya fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed from the only place you've known why d'ya sing hallelujah if it means nothin' to ya why d'ya sing with me at all? (damien rice)

Last night, in tears, I called the other ming... my sister J. I made the drive to her place and told her all my sorrows. To say this is a major role reversal is an understatement. As the elder one, I was always the one of sage wisdom. But as the past year's events unfolded, we silently changed places in the ming spectrum. I got divorced, she got married. I got louder, she became more subdued. I was an emotional wreck, she astounded everyone with her newfound sense of calm. She listened to my nonsense, gave multiple hugs, fed me beer and pizza (and no bullshit), and put me to bed. The many years we lived under the same roof seem ages ago, and I now realize how much I miss being with her. There are the hair pulling, screaming, and fighting over the phone-type memories, but it seems like eons ago when I see her new adult self. This time I needed her to be the big sister, and she did it with ease. The mings have traveled a good bit in our youth, but as seen in Benrik Day 4, there is much to go. However, I can safely state that I will never have a desire to travel to a majority of Africa, Greenland, and Nauru. Really.